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Frank, open discussions necessary before marriage

They say love conquers all.

But does it really? If love did conquer all, it’s unlikely that the divorce rate would be so high.

Love may not conquer all, but just as in other areas of your life, getting some information and knowledge before you say “I do” may contribute to a successful marriage.

Many couples enter into marriage with the notion of living “happily ever after.” But your views on what that means may be vastly different from your future spouse’s. There are a number of issues that may not be discussed during the pre-engagement phase that definitely should be discussed between the engagement and the wedding.

The big issues include children (if any, how many), religion, finances (both assets and debts) and health habits.

Based on my experience, communication — specifically, the lack thereof — and finances are the leading causes of divorce. (Obviously, deployments are a big factor for many of my readers, but I consider dealing with deployments to come under the heading of communication.)

You and Mr. or Mrs. Right need to have a talk. It may be difficult and even embarrassing in some ways, but we are talking about marriage — and if it doesn’t last, the consequences of a divorce on your finances, your current and future children, and your emotions will be considerable.

Some things to consider:

• Do you both want children? If so, how many? If not, are you willing to compromise?

• Do you share similar religious beliefs? If not, are each of you accepting of the other’s particular beliefs? If you have children, what faith will they be raised in?

• How much does your future spouse earn? Will you share joint bank accounts?

• What are your respective assets and debts? (You may be surprised how little you know about the spending habits of your partner.) Will the two of you retain these assets and debts separately, or will you each take responsibility for the other’s after marriage?

• Will a prenuptial agreement be executed prior to marriage? If you have pre-marriage assets that you would like to protect in the event of a divorce later, consider a prenuptial agreement.

• What are your respective goals and how will the two of you help each other achieve them?

These issues are just to get you started — by no means is this an exhaustive list.

Do you plan to live with your spouse before tying the knot? If so, you might want to discuss each other’s expectations regarding the care and maintenance of the home, especially if one of you is a neat freak and the other a bit of a slob.

Marriage can be a wonderful, lifelong love affair, but if your goal is to do it once and only once, ’til death do you part, it’s important to talk frankly and openly about these things before taking the leap.

Again, communication is doubly important in a time of wartime deployments and high operational tempo. With the stress that our military families are facing these days, you can’t cut corners on communication before getting married, no matter how uncomfortable the discussion might get.

Military service complicates a relationship, but it is not automatically a recipe for divorce. My wife and I have endured many of my military deployments and have thrived because of honest and blunt communication about our expectations.

If you’re interested in premarital counseling — and you probably should be — you can always visit your unit chaplain. Chaplains do a great job in this area and somehow always seem to know how to turn a potentially uncomfortable discussion into something positive that can strengthen your relationship.

The information in this column is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended to constitute legal advice. Readers are encouraged to seek the advice of an attorney or other professional when an opinion is needed.

Mathew B. Tully Esq. is a field artillery officer in the New York National Guard and a veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom. He is also the founding partner of Tully, Rinckey and Associates (http://www.fedattorney.com), a law firm in Albany, N.Y. E-mail your legal questions to askthelawyer@militarytimes.com.