Deployed, yet still a presence: Staying connected to kids takes work, but keeps family bonds tight - Army Spouse and Family Resources - Army Times

Deployed, yet still a presence: Staying connected to kids takes work, but keeps family bonds tight

Tricia Aldag did such a good job keeping her young children connected to their father, 1st Sgt. Richard Aldag, while he was deployed that when he returned, they still expected her to relay their messages to him — even when he was in the room.

“The kids at first would talk to me to get to dad,” Aldag said. “I said, ‘He’s right here. You tell him.’ It took a while for them to get used to talking directly to their father.”

With the high operations tempo of the past decade, many military families have developed tried-and-true techniques for helping their kids stay connected to deployed parents when they’re away — as well as when they return.

“Staying connected is key … in terms of building relationships,” said Dr. Kris Peterson, child and adolescent psychiatry consultant to the Army surgeon general.

But staying connected takes some effort — before, during and after deployment — and it goes beyond merely talking on the phone, Skyping, or writing letters and e-mails, Peterson said.

When Richard Aldag deployed to Iraq with the Nebraska Army National Guard in 2005, son Hayden was 5 and daughter Aubrey was 3. Aldag would not return for nearly two years.

He has since deployed again, and the couple is carrying over some ideas that worked from the first deployment, discarding others and trying new ways to keep their children connected to dad while he’s in Afghanistan — this time with a new family member, daughter Annalise, who had her first birthday in September.

The approaches vary depending on a child’s age and developmental stage. But there are some overall issues to be aware of regardless of age, Peterson said. For example, what if your toddler, school-age child or adolescent doesn’t want to communicate?

Peterson’s advice: Don’t be overly sensitive. “It’s important that there’s some communication, even if it’s short and sweet,” he said.

Don’t call the child out on it; rather, explore the issue. Start by telling the child how you feel, such as, “I miss hearing from you.” Stick with that thread and wait for an explanation, he said.

Setting the stage

Peterson and other experts — including military families — say there are some simple steps that can help you prepare for an upcoming separation:

• Talk with your children before you leave to let them know they are loved unconditionally.

A pre-deployment guide issued at Marine Corps Air Station New River, N.C., notes that children sometimes think the service member is leaving because of something they did; make sure they understand that’s not true. Be honest, and share your feelings so that they know sharing feelings — even negative ones — is OK. If they ask a question to which you don’t know the answer, or are unable to answer, tell the child so.

Watching the “Preparing for Deployment” video and materials in Sesame Workshop’s “Talk, Listen Connect” series with your preschooler can help you talk about the upcoming separation. Older kids — and adults — also have benefited from this series.

• Draw up a connection plan. Anxiety may be eased if you and your child know how you will keep in touch during deployment, according to tips provided by the nonprofit Girls Inc.

Encourage children to write letters, draw pictures and send photos, depending on their ages and their preferences. Some prefer to communicate by e-mail, for example, while others might want to make an audio tape and mail it, or a videotape.

• Set up some “collateral” connections. Let the teacher, football coach, ballet instructor or Scout leader know you’re deploying. When you stay in contact with them about your child, and your child knows it, he or she feels your involvement.

• Take something special from your child with you, and leave something special behind. Infants and toddlers respond greatly to smell, so leave a shirt that you’ve worn. It might be a go-to comfort item, or the child might sleep with it, or both, said Siobhan Casey, director of military projects at Zero to Three. Scent fades over time, so the deployed parent might get a new T-shirt, wear it and mail it home.

Casey also suggests posting pictures of the deployed parent around the house at eye level for young children.

She stresses the importance of sticking to routines, and embedding some strategies in the routines to enhance the sense of comfort — such as playing a video of the deployed parent reading to the child at the regular bedtime.

Help in making such videos can be obtained through groups such as United Through Reading, with more than 300 recording locations worldwide — to include some Navy ships, camps in Iraq and Afghanistan and in more than 70 USOs and on some installations worldwide. For more information, visit the website or call 858-481-7323.

Some fathers who deploy knowing a baby will be born while they are away create videos of their faces close to the camera lens, making sounds and gestures as though they were with the child. Babies are more likely to know their father immediately upon return if this program is put into place at birth.

Give an older child a copy of your dog tags, or a special ring or necklace. Ask the child to make something special for you to wear on a chain. Or take a craft they’ve made. Take a note they’ve written to you, laminate it and tuck it into a pocket.

“When I deployed, my family wrote inside my uniform shirt. It was neat putting that on each day,” Peterson said.

He suggests writing little notes for each day ahead of time, and putting them in a bowl or on the refrigerator so that the parent at home can give one to read each day, or the child can draw it out of the bowl. Draw pictures to leave for children who can’t read yet.

For special events such as holidays and birthdays that will be missed during a deployment, the service member might buy gifts and leave them for the other parent to give to the child.

Interactively communicating

Both the deployed parent and the parent at home need to listen to their children, Peterson said.

That means eye contact — turn off the TV and other electronic devices. “Parents talking to kids while typing on their smart phones — that’s not a good connection,” he said.

The parent at home, he said, should make an effort to spend time with each child individually, one on one, each day.

Remember to praise your child. “Often we focus on the negative. They don’t know how we feel,” Peterson said.

“Collateral” praise can help — the deployed parent telling the child that his mother was bragging about his grades or his efforts to help around the house. When a teacher tells a child that he talked to his deployed parent that day, it lets the child know the deployed parent is still in his life.

“What a great compliment if the basketball coach says he was talking to dad about how well you did during the last game,” Peterson said.

Technology helps the Aldag family maintain day-to-day connections during their current deployment, Tricia Aldag said, noting that she and her husband Skype about every other day.

Annalise took her first steps after her dad left, so “I put the camera in front of her and she walks toward the camera,” Aldag said, allowing her husband to see.

And Annalise recognizes her father on the screen. “She blows him kisses,” Aldag said.

Richard Aldag also emphasizes the positive things he and other troops are doing while away, such as visiting orphanages in Afghanistan.

He has enlisted Tricia and the children to help. On his last deployment, the kids participated by sending school supplies to Iraqi children. This time, he has told them that orphaned Afghan children need coats and blankets, and the family’s church is helping collect things to send.

Although deployments are difficult for any family, one great way to maintain healthy connections is to use the same strategies even when you’re not separated.

You’re not connected if family members spend all their time in separate rooms, Peterson said.

At any time, “pulling a note from a fishbowl that says, ‘I love you,’ can be powerful.”