Entertainment, Movies - Army Times

Empty epic

The general plot of writer-director Roland Emmerich’s new film “10,000 B.C.” goes like this:

A son seeking to honor the memory of his long-lost father grows up to become a hunky warrior, gathers an army of oppressed peoples, topples a vicious and depraved despot and his minions, and saves the life of his babealicious true love.

Yep, your typically tender coming-of-age story.

It’s way over the top — but what would you expect from Emmerich, the bombastic German filmmaker whose career has pretty much been a series of skull-rattling, FX-dripping chunks of cinema cheese?

Now, cinema cheese doesn’t necessarily have to be stinky. Savory cinema cheese, for example, would be Emmerich’s 1996 alien-invasion lollapalooza, “Independence Day.”

But the guy also has put out his fair share of overripe Limburger. He accomplished the rare feat of making a legend boring in 1998’s “Godzilla.” And the less said about 2004’s overwrought “The Day After Tomorrow,” the better.

So to which end of the spectrum does “10,000 B.C.” tilt? Sorry to say, the odoriferous side.

Emmerich’s strength has always been special effects, and on that score, at least, he doesn’t disappoint. The visual dazzle hinted at in the film’s trailer — which has been all over TV in recent weeks — is on full display.

The first taste comes early, when the young, stylishly dreadlocked warrior wanna-be D’leh (Steven Strait) joins his stylishly dreadlocked tribesmen in a mastodon hunt.

The whole theater practically quakes when the spooked behemoths take flight. And when D’leh (an Emmerich in-joke — “hero” spelled backwards in German) confronts and brings down the lead bull all by his lonesome, it’s an awesome sight.

Other superb FX sequences include D’leh’s up-close confrontation with a 15-foot saber-toothed tiger, and a rush through thick jungle just a half-step ahead of a flock of huge flightless birds that are as hungry as they are cranky.

Too bad the rest of the movie is a mess. These standout visual thrills are strung together by a confusing gruel of mystical mumbo-jumbo about prophecies and destinies related by thin characters spouting some seriously stilted dialogue.

It’s not really worth trying to sort out, but just for the record:

D’leh falls in love with Evolet (Camilla Belle), a member of another tribe who was the lone survivor of a raid by “four-legged demons” (that would be men on horseback). But to make her his mate, he must prove himself worthy. Cue the mastodons!

Later, the same raiders — all of whom have distinctly Arabic features — descend on D’leh’s village, taking most of the tribe, including Evolet, as slaves. D’leh, under the wing of an older warrior with the truly unfortunate name of TicTic (Cliff Curtis), sets out after her.

D’leh and TicTic cross about seven temperate zones, picking up huge numbers of allies among local tribes along the way who also are oppressed by the slavers.

The inevitable battle takes place in the slavers’ final destination, a grandiose riverfront city with distinctly Egyptian/Persian overtones run by even more cruel and heartless swarthy folks, lorded over by a guttural-voiced dude with nine-inch nails who covers his face under a burqa.

Emmerich has never been the most original filmmaker, and here he shamelessly steals from a couple of dozen sources, including some true icons. The rolling army collected by D’leh is ripped straight from “Spartacus,” while the climactic battle scene is like Cecil B. DeMille on steroids.

In the final equation, what you get with “10,000 B.C.” is 15 to 20 minutes of cool CGI fun spaced out among 90 minutes of hooey.

Whether that’s a tradeoff you’re willing to make is your call.

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