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Favorite jokes from our readers

So the pope, a soldier and Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower walk into a bar and oh, sorry, you’ve heard that one before?

There’s no shortage of quips, cracks, gags and off-color anecdotes related to military service.

Army Gen. David Petraeus, commander of U.S. Central Command, caused a bit of a stir July 30 when he made a joke at airmen’s expense at a Marine Corps dinner. Whether Petraeus’ joke was offensive has been a matter of some debate. (He subsequently apologized privately to Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Norton Schwartz, and publicly in a letter to readers of Air Force Times, a sister publication of Army Times.) But perhaps the more important question is, was it funny?

Inspired by the Petraeus flap, we asked you to submit some of your favorite military humor. The following are a few of our favorites:

I went on leave from my base in Germany to Spain, and I stumbled on this restaurant in a small town. I noticed in the window a sign for the special of the day, which read “testículos de acero.”

I asked the waiter what it was, since I don’t understand Spanish.

He replied, “Sir, it is the testicles from the bull that lost at the bullfight last night.”

Now, being an adventurous guy, I ordered a plate, and I actually enjoyed it.

So a week goes by, and before I head back to Germany for work, I decide to have that meal one more time. I went in the restaurant and ordered the special again. But when I did, I noticed that the portion was much smaller than before. I still ate it, but wanted to inquire about the size.

So, I asked the waiter why that was.

He replied, “Sir, the bull doesn’t always lose.”

Sgt. James M. Hrehowsik

Grafenwoehr

The reason the Army, Air Force, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase “secure the building.”

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.

Anonymous

A soldier was just getting back from a patrol in Iraq when a glimmer in the sand caught his eye. He investigated, and it turned out to be an old, dusty bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone, so he opened the bottle.

A genie appeared and thanked the soldier for letting him out. The genie said, “I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish. But I can only grant one.”

The soldier thought for a while and finally said, “I have always wanted to go and fish along the beautiful beaches of Hawaii. I’ve never been able to go because I’m always deployed. I’m deathly afraid to fly and only do so when I must, so I wish for a road to be built from Iraq to Hawaii and some time off to go fish.”

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, “The time off I don’t think will be an issue, but the road ... I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up the highway over the water and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”

The soldier thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, “There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to help my spouse and children understand why I am always deployed. They want me home, but I never seem to be able to soothe their angst and get them to fully understand why I am away all of the time. Can you help them understand?”

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”

Five retired military members from each of the branches are at the pearly gates, arguing over which branch is more distinguished. Finally, they ask St. Peter, who scratches his head and says he will ask God. St. Peter soon returns from the Lord with a handwritten letter:

“All of the branches of the United States military are distinguished and serve their own unique purpose. There really is no way to judge which is best for they are all honorable, and filled with the best and brightest of America. So please, enter into heaven, knowing that you have all served your country with honor.

Signed,

God

General, U.S. Army, Retired.”

Anonymous

The platoon had been in the field for four weeks straight.

The platoon sergeant calls the men together and says, “First the bad news: We have to stay out another two weeks.”

The team says, “Aww.”

“Now the good news: We are getting a change of underwear.”

The team says, “Yay!”

The sergeant then says, “OK. First squad change with 2nd squad, 3rd squad change with 4th squad!”

Hank Ortega (ret.)

Lakeview, Ore.

An old NCO was walking through an art gallery on post one day and stopped to admire a scene from the Army’s long history.

He said to a man, “This painting is the most realistic thing I’ve ever seen!”

The man replied with bewilderment. All he saw was a “Soldiers at work” sign and a bunch of sleeping privates.

The man said, “Those soldiers are not working at all, though.”

The NCO replied, “That’s what’s so real about it!

Pfc. Devon L. McGill

Aurora, Colo.

Gen. George S. Patton, Gen. Robert E. Lee and Gen. John “Black Jack” Pershing are sitting at a small table up in heaven having a lively conversation about their various Army exploits, when Osama bin Laden walks up to the table and asks if he can take a seat.

“Sure,” says Pershing. “But you have to let us know how you got into heaven.” Bin Laden goes on to explain, “Well, I felt genuine remorse for my sins, I converted to Christianity and decided to live out my life in peace.”

Just then, Patton pulls out his pearl-handled revolver and shoots bin Laden right between the eyes.

“What are you doing?!” exclaims Lee.

Patton looks at the two and says, “That lying son of a gun sure knows how to hide.”

1st Lt. Sean Mathews

Poolesville, Md.

You can’t spell lost without the letters L and T.

And …

Did you ever hear about how the 4th Infantry Division came up with its patch? The arrows are supposed to symbolize four lieutenants pointing north. ... We get lost a lot.

Spc. Ben Coles

Seattle

While stationed as a new private with an MP company, one of the duties was to provide security at the office building for the commanding general.

Personnel would enter the foyer and show an access pass, then be “buzzed” through. A woman entered one day and asked to see the general.

I called up to get his secretary to escort her, but the general answered his phone. I explained that there was a woman in the lobby to see him. The general asked, “Private, is she good looking?” I said, “Yes, sir.”

The general appeared in the lobby a few minutes later and spoke briefly with the woman. When he was finished, I buzzed him back in and he came around to the security booth. My partner and I snapped to attention. The general said loudly, “Private, I thought you said that lady was good looking?”

I said, “Sir, I thought it might be your wife!”

As he turned to leave his response was, “She is.”

Staff Sgt. Chad Hamilton

Fort Lewis, Wash.

Three men are using the latrine: a soldier, an airman and a sailor.

The airman finishes and washes his hands using a lot of soap and water, then dries using five paper towels. He says, “In the Air Force, we’re taught to wash and dry thoroughly.”

The sailor finishes and washes his hands using very little soap and water and dries with one paper towel. He says, “In the Navy, we’re taught to conserve our resources.”

The soldier finishes and walks out, saying, “In the Army, we just don’t pee on our hands.”

Anonymous

The only thing that the Army issues that is waterproof is the brown towel.

Anonymous

There is only one thief in the Army, everyone else is just trying to the get their stuff back.

Anonymous

There’s an Air Force guy driving from McChord Air Force Base to Fort Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Lewis to McChord.

In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on.

The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”

The Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”

The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals.”

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”

So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Army guy, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”

The Army guy replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, “Your turn!”

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”

Anonymous