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Kevlar for the Mind: Some don’t want deployments to end

Q. I’ve been in Iraq for a year and will head home soon. For whatever reason, I’m really not looking forward to going home. I can’t put my finger on why I feel this way. Things are good with my girlfriend, and I have saved plenty of money. It doesn’t make sense.

A. For most service members, preparing to come home from deployment is an exciting time. Thoughts are consumed with being reunited with family, buying that new motorcycle or car, or tossing back a few beers with friends. However, for others, this is a time of uncertainty.

In my experience, there are three general reasons why someone may be conflicted about returning home after deployment.

First, a person may be headed back to a difficult and stressful environment to face a number of emotional and financial challenges. It makes sense that someone would want to avoid these problems.

Second, a person may have developed close bonds with fellow service members under the intense stress and pressure of deployment and may not want to give up those ties and support.

Third, humans have a difficult time letting go of predictable and familiar routines.

Keep in mind that all three reasons are considered normal. It may take time to figure out what the reason may be for you.

Q. My husband comes home from Afghanistan next month. I love him very much and am excited to be reunited. But part of me wishes he wasn’t coming home so soon. I feel like a horrible wife.

A. This conflicted feeling also is not uncommon. Spouses are forced to undergo significant change during a deployment — and the longer the deployment, the more change occurs.

Being left on your own to care for the home, kids, finances, etc., is a challenge. It also creates a greater sense of independence and self-confidence that can be hard to give up.

You may develop new hobbies or join clubs or organizations that your service member may have little or no interest in when he gets back from deployment.

You may feel a need to give up these newfound interests to devote full attention to your returning service member. This can create resentment if the interests are given up or guilt if they are retained.

Spouses may do a lot of soul-searching during the deployment. They may reach various decisions about their relationships, personal careers and whether they can continue to be a military spouse.

These decisions can have a profound effect on a marriage, and these conversations often get put off as long as possible. But as in most circumstances, direct and open communication is best.

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Bret A. Moore is a board-certified clinical psychologist who served two tours in Iraq. E-mail kevlarforthemind@militarytimes.com. Names and identifying details will be kept confidential. This column is for informational purposes only and is not intended to convey specific psychological or medical guidance. Readers should see a mental health professional or physician for mental health problems.