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7 steps to begin coping with wife’s infidelity

Q. I recently found out that my wife cheated on me with another man when I was deployed to Iraq. Since I found out, I’ve had problems sleeping and can’t concentrate at work. Also, I either get nauseous or angry every time I think about her being with the other guy. We are now separated, but I can’t seem to get over her cheating.

A. Infidelity is one of the toughest things to overcome personally and as a couple. In the U.S., some experts report that as many as one-half of men and one-third of women cheat on their spouse.

Being on the receiving end of this broken marital vow can have a tremendous effect on you. The good news is that you can recover. Here are steps you can take:

• 1. Acknowledge what has happened. After the initial shock has worn off, allow yourself to accept that you’ve been wronged. There will need to be a grieving period.

• 2. Ask as many questions as you feel necessary. If you feel you need to know specifics of the affair, then ask. Your spouse owes this to you. Creating your own scenarios in your head without knowing the real truth can prolong the pain.

• 3. Don’t obsess. Ruminating about the affair, particularly the intimate details, is counterproductive. If images or thoughts pop into your head, push them out and remind yourself that they will only make things worse.

• 4. Reflect on whether this is an isolated incident or a symptom of something more serious and longstanding. Sometimes people make mistakes. Other times, infidelity is a pattern and can be a symptom of an already failed and unsatisfying marriage. Figure out which it is for you and make a decision accordingly.

• 5. If you choose to try to save the relationship, set a timetable for recovery. Chances are your spouse will want to put this behind her as quickly as possible. It is important to give yourself time to deal with it, but it is also important for you to move forward and not live in the past.

Using the affair as a way to win an argument or get sympathy from your spouse down the road will create resentment and unnecessary strain in the relationship.

• 6. Don’t transfer your feelings about your unfaithful partner onto your next significant other. The two are unrelated.

• 7. Seek professional help. Marriage counseling can be very helpful for couples who want to overcome infidelity together. Individual counseling can help you deal with the loss and betrayal.

Being cheated on hurts. But many others have walked in your shoes and come out OK on the other side. With time, a little patience and a clear head, you can get through, too.

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Bret A. Moore is a board-certified clinical psychologist who served two tours in Iraq. E-mail kevlarforthemind@militarytimes.com. Names and identifying details will be kept confidential. This column is for informational purposes only and is not intended to convey specific psychological or medical guidance. Readers should see a mental health professional or physician for mental health problems.