Editor's note: The following is an opinion piece. The writer is not employed by Military Times and her views do not necessarily represent those of Military Times or its editorial staff.

After watching these intense media debates on San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick's protest of the national anthem, it is clear that the American flag represents many different American experiences and not just one that we all agree on. 

These include the White American experience, the Black American experience, the American Veteran experience, the Biracial American experience, the Hispanic American experience, and the list goes on and on. The challenges with understanding these experiences begin to arise when any one of those categories tries to force their American experience on another group, along with their perspectives on symbols, traditions, songs, etc.

Capt. Mary L. Tobin (ret.)

Capt. Mary L. Tobin (ret.)
Photo Credit: Courtesy Mary L. Tobin
It seems that even attempting to understand the various layers of all these experiences is what has made these debates so intense because the issues aren’t simply black or white. The American experience is literally experiential, and when you attempt to analyze how any other American could view a symbol differently than you, you need not look any further than their personal experiences, not yours. But this level of analysis and understanding takes time and effort and our society isn't bred to be patient about understanding one another anymore. Remember, "If it's not my way, it's the wrong way!"

I am a black woman veteran from the deep South. Look at the layers in that statement. I spent my younger years in low-income housing and then upgraded to the black middle class suburbs. I attended a military college in upstate New York in a predominantly white environment. I began my military career as the only black woman officer in a combat arms unit, deployed a few times, and was medically retired from the military. If I just stopped right there, without even describing the substance of all those experiences, there is no clear-cut definition of how I should feel about America, the flag, the anthem, or any other national symbol. 

Truth be told, my military service shaped

all

of the patriotism I have in my body. I get emotional when I hear the anthem and I always stand and place my hand over my heart when it is played, but that is based

solely

on the fact that I lost soldiers, leaders, and friends fighting for this country. So maybe I am not emotional over the flag or the anthem. Maybe I am emotional over the men and women who decided to stand for something bigger than themselves and gave their lives for it. Maybe all of my tears are really just for them and not a flag or a song.

So how then can I demand that my tears and my emotion mean the same thing for every American? They are

my

tears, right? I can demand that Americans not disrespect veterans and service members, but how can I look another American in the eyes who may have had an entirely different experience than me, and tell them they are wrong for how they feel about the flag, the anthem, or this country? How do I force my experiences, good or bad, on another person? Do I just declare that I know what's best for them and impose my will? Do I tell them, if they don't like it, leave? Do I ignore their experiences because mine were better, or even ideal?

For some perspective, I’ve found that no matter what I do, the police uniform generates an instinctive fear in me. And the funny thing is, someone who I consider my little sister is a police officer, and even when I see her I am afraid. Why? Because growing up, I saw that blue, black, and tan uniform used to harass and "rough up" black youth in the hood. And here it is 20 years later, I still get that uneasy feeling whenever I see a police officer. For many Americans that is not the case, so I cannot demand they feel the same way about police that I do. I don’t want anyone to feel this fear. But what I do want is to ask that before you criticize my instincts or my emotions, please consider my experiences, and not just your own.

This is not a defense of Colin Kaepernick. Although I've seen some interesting arguments for why he shouldn't protest, including the fact that he has a $100 million-dollar contract, he is biracial, and his parents are white -- as if money, race, or being adopted are the key criterion for exclusion in the activism Olympics. But this argument asks you to consider a perspective that isn't your own. Maybe if you choose to look through someone else's eyes, the judgement may not come as quickly and you will find understanding more easily.

I'm still going to stand for the anthem and place my hand over my heart. I'm probably still going to tear up a little each time I hear it, and I'm happy I live in a country where you can choose how you will react when you hear the anthem played. One day our flag and the anthem could mean the same thing for most of us, but today it doesn't. And that's our reality.

Capt. Mary L .Tobin (ret.) is an Army combat veteran who is currently a speaker, leadership and diversity consultant, and activist for women and minority rights.

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