Despite all the interservice jokes and rivalries, the United States Army is top of the line when compared to pretty much anyone else. China, Russia, Iraq, Iran, you name the country and we’re 100% confident that the U.S. Army wins hands down. But that’s not why we love the Army, or rather the only reason we love the Army. There are several key things that we grudgingly admit, make us love the Army.
No. 1 is easy: Apache helicopters. Dudes, Apaches wreck shop on tanks like it’s a national pastime. We watch baseball and eat apple pie, Apache helicopters kill tanks. Raining death and fire from above. There aren’t many reasons to no love what the Army does with these awesome weapons of war as they support ground troops and turn the tide against whatever foe they encounter.
The second reason we love the Army: they had Patton. Say what you will about the Army, but Patton kicked major ass and was a cocky, arrogant warrior and we mean that in the most complimentary way possible. We love warriors who know they’re badass and they let everyone else know it too. Patton was our kind of guy!
Moving on to the third reason we love the Army. Ugh — we can’t believe we’re gonna say this — airborne. Y’all started it, so you get props.
“Hey guys, you know what’s a great idea?”
“No, what great idea Bob?”
“Let’s jump out of perfectly good airplanes to fight the enemy!”
“That’s a great idea, Bob, let me finish my beer first!”
The fourth reason we love the Army, TANKS!!! There aren’t many problems that can’t be solved by the proper application of a shitton of Abrams tanks. This one time in Iraq, some insurgents tried to assault an ECP after we grabbed their leader. Two Abrams came out from Camp Ramadi and went all talking guns for a few rounds and just like that, no more insurgents.
The fifth and final reason we love the Army, they’re the only branch of the military that can take the relentless onslaught of jokes from the Marines. We love the Army because they’re the only ones who can take a punch from their psychotic, angry, crayon eating brothers. Good on you Army, good on you!