Despite all the interservice jokes and rivalries, the United States Army is top of the line when compared to pretty much anyone else. China, Russia, Iraq, Iran, you name the country and we’re 100% confident that the U.S. Army wins hands down. But that’s not why we love the Army, or rather the only reason we love the Army. There are several key things that we grudgingly admit, make us love the Army.

The AH-64D Longbow Apache (LBA) is a 2-engine, 4-bladed, tandem-seat attack helicopter with 30mm cannon, Hydra 70 2.75-inch rockets, laser, and Radio Frequency HELLFIRE missiles. (Army)
The AH-64D Longbow Apache (LBA) is a 2-engine, 4-bladed, tandem-seat attack helicopter with 30mm cannon, Hydra 70 2.75-inch rockets, laser, and Radio Frequency HELLFIRE missiles. (Army)

No. 1 is easy: Apache helicopters. Dudes, Apaches wreck shop on tanks like it’s a national pastime. We watch baseball and eat apple pie, Apache helicopters kill tanks. Raining death and fire from above. There aren’t many reasons to no love what the Army does with these awesome weapons of war as they support ground troops and turn the tide against whatever foe they encounter.

Lt. Gen. George S. Patton speaks to Brig. Gen. Anthony McAuliffe, January 1945. Patton led the Third Army in a sweep across France and an instrumental role in defeating the German counter offensive in the Ardennes. Patton commanded the Third Army from 1944 to 1945. Third Army’s unit motto “Patton’s Own – Third, Always First” is in honor of Patton. (Army)
Lt. Gen. George S. Patton speaks to Brig. Gen. Anthony McAuliffe, January 1945. Patton led the Third Army in a sweep across France and an instrumental role in defeating the German counter offensive in the Ardennes. Patton commanded the Third Army from 1944 to 1945. Third Army’s unit motto “Patton’s Own – Third, Always First” is in honor of Patton. (Army)

The second reason we love the Army: they had Patton. Say what you will about the Army, but Patton kicked major ass and was a cocky, arrogant warrior and we mean that in the most complimentary way possible. We love warriors who know they’re badass and they let everyone else know it too. Patton was our kind of guy!

U.S. Army paratroopers assigned to the 4th Infantry Brigade Combat Team (Airborne), 25th Infantry Division, U.S. Army Alaska, jump from an Air Force C-17 Globemaster III with the 517th Airlift Squadron during airborne training over Malemute drop zone, Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson, Alaska, Jan. 9, 2018. (Alejandro Peña/Air Force)
U.S. Army paratroopers assigned to the 4th Infantry Brigade Combat Team (Airborne), 25th Infantry Division, U.S. Army Alaska, jump from an Air Force C-17 Globemaster III with the 517th Airlift Squadron during airborne training over Malemute drop zone, Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson, Alaska, Jan. 9, 2018. (Alejandro Peña/Air Force)

Moving on to the third reason we love the Army. Ugh — we can’t believe we’re gonna say this — airborne. Y’all started it, so you get props.

“Hey guys, you know what’s a great idea?”

“No, what great idea Bob?”

“Let’s jump out of perfectly good airplanes to fight the enemy!”

“That’s a great idea, Bob, let me finish my beer first!”

A U.S. soldier with 1st Battalion, 8th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Armored Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, prepares to offload M1A2 Abrams tanks at Mihail Kogalniceanu Air Base, Constanta County, Romania, Feb 14, 2017. (Cpl. Emily Dorumsgaard/Marine Corps)
A U.S. soldier with 1st Battalion, 8th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Armored Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, prepares to offload M1A2 Abrams tanks at Mihail Kogalniceanu Air Base, Constanta County, Romania, Feb 14, 2017. (Cpl. Emily Dorumsgaard/Marine Corps)

The fourth reason we love the Army, TANKS!!! There aren’t many problems that can’t be solved by the proper application of a shitton of Abrams tanks. This one time in Iraq, some insurgents tried to assault an ECP after we grabbed their leader. Two Abrams came out from Camp Ramadi and went all talking guns for a few rounds and just like that, no more insurgents.

Service members salute the American flag during a retreat ceremony Oct. 2, 2014, at Little Rock Air Force Base, Ark. (Airman 1st Class Harry Brexel/Air Force)
Service members salute the American flag during a retreat ceremony Oct. 2, 2014, at Little Rock Air Force Base, Ark. (Airman 1st Class Harry Brexel/Air Force)

The fifth and final reason we love the Army, they’re the only branch of the military that can take the relentless onslaught of jokes from the Marines. We love the Army because they’re the only ones who can take a punch from their psychotic, angry, crayon eating brothers. Good on you Army, good on you!

Originally published by American Grit. Read more from American Grit here: