Have a few fingers, a shoulder or an anterior cruciate ligament laying around the house that simply won’t fit in your dresser?
Well, today is your lucky day, because Uncle Sam wants you(r body parts)!
On Sept. 19, the Army issued an online solicitation calling for any (reputable) sources to lend a hand — or foot or thigh — to the Department of Anatomy & Physiology at the Army Medical Department Center & School at Texas Tech University for the purpose of training and fine-tuning the skills of the Army’s current and future generations of combat medics.
Titled “Fresh frozen Cadaver limbs,” which is likely the name of a thrash metal band somewhere, the solicitation asks for an extensive, grocery store-style list of human flesh, highlighted by those ol’ popular items we all know and love, such as “Shoulder w/Arm w/Clavicle” and “Pelvis to Toe tip w/Sacrum.”
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It would appear Dr. Victor Frankenstein approached this body part collecting thing all wrong.
What kind of deviant exhumes corpses from graveyards under the cover of nightfall when he can instead embody a modern Prometheus through public forum solicitation?
Despite the user-friendly method, acquiring the necessary number of body parts needed for the Army’s “Combat Extremity Surgery Course” is going to cost an arm and a leg; the effort carries a $32.5 million price tag, to be exact.
Oh, and the Army needs it immediately, with a deadline set only five days after the solicitation was posted. Just like genuine students to procrastinate with their body parts until the last minute.
“All eligible businesses may submit an offer, which will be considered,” reads the solicitation, which reeks of desperation (once you get over the other smells).
But millions of dollars’ worth of offers? Not even an eligible business like Ariel the Mermaid’s House of Body Parts can handle that kind of demand.
I’ve got shoulders and clavicles aplenty. I’ve got toe tips and sacrums galore. You want pelvises? I got twenty. But who cares? No big deal. The Army wants more.
Those with spare parts around the house are encouraged to use the contact information listed on the solicitation.
(Knife hands do not count as body parts, Marines.)