Do you, like me, hate carrying around a bag of any kind but need a place to store keys, money and idenfitication? Maybe you just want to bring a handful of cheddary Cheez-Its on an afternoon hike but want your hands to remain unencumbered.

Forget a backpack or pants, cargo socks are the way to go.

“Cargo Socks let you take areas that have traditionally remained pocketless and raise them to new heights in functionality,” according to the packaging. “Combining the comfort of a tailored garment with the style and practicality of your favorite multi-pocket pants, Cargo Socks perform as great as they look. Whether your paylos is a favorite hard candy, or life-saving insulin, you can rest easy knowing it’s sound, and within arms reach, in your Cargo Socks.”

Unfortunately, they aren’t real.

Cargo Socks are part of ruse by a gag gift box company used to throw recipients off the trail of what they’re really getting. Other fake boxes sold include a “Fart Filter,” “NapSack,” and “Plant Urinal.”

Those victims who unwrap a cargo sock box will expect to tear through the cardboard to find epic utility stockings, only to realize that no such thing is housed inside.

In order to make the gag more convincing, however, the box lists all the features of the socks, including flip flop slots for those that like to wear them with sandals and a freezer-grade gasket to keep your snacks hot or cold for hours.

To be honest, it’s kind of a bummer. I for one intended to gift such knitted delicacies to my dad, who, in his retirement, has little need for pants, but would certainly delight in the usefulness of calf mules in which he could store snacks while keeping all his little piggies warm.

Perhaps instead I’ll learn to knit and open my own cargo sock Etsy shop.

Observation Post is the Military Times one-stop shop for all things off-duty. Stories may reflect author observations.

Sarah Sicard is a Senior Editor with Military Times. She previously served as the Digitial Editor of Military Times and the Army Times Editor. Other work can be found at National Defense Magazine, Task & Purpose, and Defense News.

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