Soldiers, sailors, Marines and airmen around the world are looking for love — usually in all the wrong places. What might it have been like if some of the greatest military minds in American history happened to be on dating apps?
Would you swipe right on America’s all-time favorite generals?
Name: James Mattis
About Me: Call me Jim. I’m a straight-shooter who will never sugarcoat things for you because I like to keep it real. I will always put my career first, no matter what. Looking for an intellectual who reads as much as I do
Likes: CHAOS, reading 30+ books a year, knife hands, the Marine Corps, keeping you awake at night ;)
Dislikes: Mad dogs, stupid people, PowerPoint
Name: George Patton
About Me: World-traveling soldier with a passport full of stamps. Definitely consider myself an alpha. Casual Olympian (pentathlon). I swear a lot... swipe left if you have delicate sensibilities
Likes: Whiskey, horseback riding, pistols with ivory handles
Dislikes: Being told what to do
Name: William Tecumseh Sherman
About Me: Ohioan, originally. Failed banker-turned dutiful soldier. Lover of the arts and Shakespeare. Have eight (yes, eight!) kids who are my world. Big-time fan of theater. Let’s get dinner and see a play sometime!
Likes: Theater and going to shows
Dislikes: War... it’s hell. Also hate the song “Marching Through Georgia”
Name: Lewis Burwell “Chesty” Puller
About Me: Competitive, driven. Looking for someone ambitious and serious but who also knows how to relax and smoke a good pipe now and again. 4x wars as a Marine. First round is on me if you can guess where I got my nickname (but only if you’re drinking whiskey)
Likes: Civil War history, brutal honesty
Dislikes: Ice cream, that sh*t is for pansies.
Name: Dwight D. Eisenhower
About Me: I go by Ike. Favorite movie is “Angels in the Outfield.” You’ll know I like you if I cook for you. And I make a mean vegetable soup. God first: Psalm 127:1 and 2 Chronicles 7:14
Likes: Oil painting, baseball, golf, the military industrial complex
Dislikes: Squirrels. They destroy golf courses.
Name: Douglas McArthur
About Me: Philippines > Japan > Korea > SF > NYC. Introvert. West Point baseball. Threw up on the steps of the White House one time (no, I wasn’t drunk). Just looking for someone to enjoy quiet time with as I laze around on the porch in my favorite red rocking chair
Likes: Corncob pipes, aviator sunglasses, nuclear proliferation
Dislikes: Small talk
**This is a satirical article, which has no bearing on the marital status of those generals listed within it.
Sarah Sicard is a Senior Editor with Military Times. She previously served as the Digitial Editor of Military Times and the Army Times Editor. Other work can be found at National Defense Magazine, Task & Purpose, and Defense News.