Happy day all you airmen, sailors, soldiers and Marines. Enjoy this safety brief as you stroll from the latrine. It’s no secret that you love to cut loose, but please read this advice whilst dropping a deuce. It might save you from a pesky Article 15, or at least prevent a drunk-fueled punch to the spleen.
When going out drinking at the watering hole, you may want to avoid chugging an entire fish bowl. While it might at the time seem like great fun, at PT the next day you’ll lose your lunch on the run.
If you should land at the local strip joint, please be wary and heed my next point. If into the champagne room a dancer steers you, it’s only your wallet they’re trying to screw. Watch out, too, for all-you-can eat buffets, especially meat or the crusty fish fillet.
Avoid fights with locals when out at dinner. Punching civilians in the face doesn’t make you a winner. That guy who “almost joined the SEALs” is obviously lying, but clocking him in the jaw won’t be that gratifying.
A slight warning as well against hitting on strangers. When drunk, it can pose many a danger. Getting married in a pinch is too much of a cliché, even if it does bump up your housing pay.
Don’t go out driving after you’ve had a few drinks, because getting a DUI quite frankly stinks. And remember this counts for bikes and scooters, too — a ticket would be awfully embarrassing for you.
These tips may at first seem common sense, but you’d be surprised how many E4s are deeply dense. Enjoy summer nights out with your squad, but don’t piss off Uncle Sam. He’s a wrathful God.
(Though Theodor Seuss Geisel, known by the pen name Dr. Seuss, did serve in the U.S. Army during World War II, he did not author this safety brief. This is merely a satirization of his writing style.)
Sarah Sicard is a Senior Editor with Military Times. She previously served as the Digitial Editor of Military Times and the Army Times Editor. Other work can be found at National Defense Magazine, Task & Purpose, and Defense News.