On Sept. 27, our nation will observe Gold Star Mother’s and Family’s Day — a time for remembrance, gratitude and asking whether the words we use still retain their meaning.
“Gold Star Family” has increasingly become a general designation for families who lose a loved one serving in the Armed Forces. This usually comes from compassion for grieving military families.
But compassion should not require us to erase meaningful distinctions our nation deliberately established.
The tradition began during World War I with the service flag. A blue star represented a family member serving during wartime; a gold star replaced it when that member died. As the National Archives’ history demonstrates, the original tradition did not use today’s precise eligibility language. It would be inaccurate to claim every early Gold Star was limited to enemy-caused deaths.
But the history doesn’t end there.
Congress later established the Gold Star Lapel Button and defined its eligibility. Under 10 U.S.C. §1126, it identifies next of kin of service members who died during the World Wars and specified hostilities, or through qualifying enemy action, conflict with an opposing foreign force, international terrorist attacks or certain overseas peacekeeping operations.
The Department of Defense recognizes a separate emblem: the Lapel Button for Next of Kin of Deceased Personnel. It recognizes active-duty and qualifying reserve deaths that do not meet the Gold Star Lapel Button criteria.
The Army regulations published in the Federal Register place the two buttons in consecutive provisions and assign them different eligibility requirements.
That distinction matters.
The government did not create two emblems accidentally. Every military loss deserves recognition, while different circumstances carry different official designations.
A family that loses a service member to illness, suicide, an automobile or training accident or another non-hostile circumstance has suffered a devastating loss. Their loved one’s service mattered. They deserve compassion, support and appropriate recognition.
But grief alone does not make two circumstances identical. Recognizing a distinction is not the same as measuring whose grief matters more.
We would not call every veteran who suffered an injury a Purple Heart recipient. That does not diminish the veteran’s injury or suffering. It simply acknowledges that the Purple Heart has defined eligibility requirements and represents a particular form of sacrifice.
The Gold Star deserves the same respect for accuracy.
This is especially important when dedicating a Gold Star Families Memorial Monument.
Medal of Honor recipient Hershel “Woody” Williams created the memorial project as a permanent place of remembrance. Its monuments bear the words: “Gold Star Families Memorial Monument, a tribute to Gold Star Families and Relatives who sacrificed a Loved One for our Freedom.”
At its center is the silhouette of a saluting service member, representing the legacy of those who, in the Woody Williams Foundation’s words, “paid the ultimate sacrifice for our Freedom.”
The foundation sometimes uses broader language to describe those it serves. I do not speak for the foundation or claim Woody adopted the distinction I defend. I ask that a memorial bearing the Gold Star name be described with the precision reflected in the government’s separate emblems.
Woody understood that the family also serves and carries a service member’s loss for generations. Ensuring those families and their loved ones are never forgotten demands precision in describing the memorial and those it honors.
We can honor every military loss without collapsing every form of military bereavement into the Gold Star. We can support grieving families while respecting distinctions Congress and the military established. Correct designations take nothing from another family; they recognize each sacrifice honestly and appropriately.
As the father of Sgt. Clinton K. Ruiz, who was killed in action in Afghanistan on October 25, 2012, I do not write this lightly or without compassion for other bereaved families. I write because we have a responsibility to preserve the congressionally recognized meaning of the Gold Star for the service members whose deaths meet that solemn designation and for the families who must carry it.
Some will find this distinction uncomfortable or accuse those of us defending it of being exclusionary. So be it.
Preserving the historic and congressionally recognized meaning of the Gold Star is a hill I am willing to die on — not because other families’ grief matters less, but because the sacrifice represented by the Gold Star must never be diluted into something it was never intended to mean.
As Gold Star Mother’s and Family’s Day approaches, let us honor every loss, recognize every sacrifice appropriately, respect every designation and protect the meaning of the Gold Star.
Tony Ruiz is a Gold Star father and U.S. Navy submarine veteran.
